THE UNIVERSAL TRUTH, December, 2004


MINISTRY OF PUBLIC WORKS SETS MADRID COMPLETION TARGET FOR 2317

By James Trevor
Staff Writer

MADRID – A Madrid without jackhammers, pile drivers, vallas and zanjas? A miracle? Not according to the Ministry of Public Works, which claims that this may soon become a reality. Ministry officials have announced plans to bring the ubiquitous public works to an end by the early part of the 24th century.

Made capital of Spain in 1561, Madrid was originally slated to be completed by 1667. A variety of factors (wars, famine, economic depression and month-long summer holidays) made reaching that goal impossible. Officials state that now, however, primarily as a result of changing times, they now expect to meet the new target.

Public Works site foreman, Severo Orden, claims that, among other factors, lifestyle changes have had a great effect on the productivity rate of municipal works.

“In the days when people had a bottle of wine and a couple of copas with lunch, we used to spend the better part of the afternoon scraping guys up off the sidewalk and pulling them out of cement mixers. Now that everyone is more health conscious and drinks water for lunch, we get a full afternoon’s work done.”

Orden also cites the effectiveness of new management techniques.

“We’ve adopted a multi-tasking approach. Instead of, say, digging up a street one week to work on the water mains and, say, digging it up again the next week to fix the telephone cables, we now dig up a street one week to work on the water mains and the telephone cables, and then dig it up the next week to work on the gas mains and the sewer.”

Changing demographics have also played a role.

“It used to be that if you tried to press workers to put a little elbow grease into it the next thing you knew you had the CC.OO. and UGT jumping down your shorts,” said Orden. “Now all I have to do is whip out my mobile phone and say, ‘anybody got the number for the Immigration and Naturalization Service handy?’ That gets the pick axes swinging. Some might call that mobbing. We like to think of it as tough love.”

Not everyone views the imminent completion of Madrid positively. Seventeenth generation street up-ender Juan Cavero scoffs at the suggestion of an end to the obras.

“They say that, what with mobile phones and solar energy and all these new fangled thingamajiggies, digging up the streets of Madrid may become a thing of the past. Well, long before there were sewers, gas mains and telephone cables my ancestors were digging up the streets. Telephone cables may disappear, solar heating power may replace gas, whatever. Just because there might not be a need for the streets to be dug up in the future doesn’t mean that my children’s children’s children’s children won’t be digging them up.”

Some Madrid residents also view the end of the obras with trepidation.

“With those jackhammers bashing away all day long I can’t hear myself think,” stated postal worker Zebulón Coco. “I once heard myself think, though, and let me tell you, I didn’t like what I heard.”

Strong pressure against Madrid’s completion is expected to come from the valla, asphalt, baldosa and cement industries.

“If we can’t sell cement for public works, we can find other uses for it,” stated cement industry lobbyist Nunzio Tattaglia, adding, “Ministry of Public Works officials might want to bear in mind that cement also makes wonderful shoes.”